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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23284054">A few wanna help and not a lot wanna listen</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76'>Drhair76</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All American (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Jordan Baker has panic attacks, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Sibling Bonding, Spencer James needs a hug, i just want fics about these three acting like siblings, i would know, it's call pressure from being the coach's kid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:15:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,642</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23284054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Okay."<br/>Jordan blinks. "Okay?"<br/>Spencer nods once. "That's what I said. Okay."<br/>"Oh. Okay."<br/>"Okay." Olivia drawls. "Let's go." </p>
<p>or, Spencer has a nighttime panic attack and the Baker siblings know just what to do.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jordan Baker &amp; Olivia Baker (All American), Jordan Baker &amp; Spencer James, Olivia Baker &amp; Spencer James</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A few wanna help and not a lot wanna listen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>yeah, I'm here with another fic about a brand new show, and Yeah, I'm taking liberties because I'm starved for found family relationships, and Yeah, I've only seen season one and part of season two but is that going to stop me? Hell no!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer wakes with a half scream stuck in his throat.</p>

<p></p><div>
  <p>He sits up quick, his chest heaving, his arms tense. He's sweating and he's cold but that's not what's causing him to shake.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He blinks and sees Shawn lying on the pavement with blood pooling around him, sees Coop's fresh bruises from yet another thing he couldn't protect her from. He inhales and is back in the car with Jordan with a police officer glaring through the window, he exhales and is seeing him being pushed into the concrete, a terrified and confused look on his face. He curls his hands into fists and he sees that day at the park with the gangs and the guns and Leila, Olivia, Mrs. Baker. All the people that shouldn't have been there. All the people it shouldn't have touched. He feels his nails bite into his palms and he hears his family's names being read out in church. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <em>Grace James. Dillion James. </em>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Suddenly the shock of the nightmare shifts into a deeper feeling of panic. One that presses down on his chest and squeezes around his throat. One that crawls across his shoulders and up his spine. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> His legs twist in the blankets of a bed that isn't his as he hurries to stand. He needs to <em>move. </em>He can't breathe and he's <em>trying</em> but there's no fucking air and this is <em>worse</em> than getting knocked on his ass in football practice by a charged up Asher Adams, because at least then Spencer eventually caught his breath, he found his footing, he pulled his spinning head back onto his shoulders. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>With this there is no footing to find, because the room- <em>that isn't his, could never be his, he doesn't belong- </em>is still spinning, and his chest is still heaving because <em>there's no air. </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>He sinks to the ground, on his hands and knees with his limbs shaking and his lungs still begging for air. He needs to see Coop, to see Dillon, to see his mom. He needs to know that they're alright, that they haven't left him yet. He needs to <em>breathe. </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>He can't hop three buses at three in the morning if he can't take a single <em>breath.</em> And he doesn't know how to make himself relax, how to let his lungs suck in the air that's there in plenty. Frantically, he wonders if he'll be choking in his air for the rest of his life, whether he'll ever calm down, whether <em>he's </em>going to be the next name to be read out in church to a sobbing mother and a broken brother- </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Spencer?" Olivia's sleep heavy voice calls out his name and Spencer can only wheeze in response. There's a stumble and a sharp intake of breath. "<em>Spencer</em>?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Then suddenly there's a hand on his shoulder and it takes all of him to to flinch away from the unfamiliar touch. She's speaking but Spencer isn't listening, his thoughts suddenly full of Olivia's wide-eyed terrified gaze at the park. <em>They shouldn't have been there, he put them in danger, he shouldn't be here- </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>Olivia pushes him, gently but firmly, so his back is against the side of the bed and so he's looking her in the face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Spencer," She keeps her hand on his shoulder and he's grateful for the closeness. "You need to breathe." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He chokes a little and he wants to yell- <em>what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do- </em>but he catches on the worried wrinkle in her forehead and the tightness of her jaw and he stops himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>She breathes loudly, her shoulders moving with it and Spencer struggles to follow. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You're okay." She says and Spencer doesn't understand. Of course he's alright. But it's not <em>about </em>him. "You're alright." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>She keeps it up, breathing with him and repeating herself softly. He pulls in more and more air everytime and soon his shoulders relax and he can look her in the eye without seeing a gun pointed at her or a body on the pavement. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Feeling better?" She asks softly. Spencer nods because he doesn't trust himself to speak but at least he can breathe now without feeling like he's having an asthma attack. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There's a noise at the door and they both turn to see Jordan standing there. Spencer watches as his eyes settle onto Olivia with relief and is a little surprised when the same look is passed to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Is everything okay?" He asks, his voice low and concerned and Spencer turns his gaze down to the mess of blankets on the floor. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Olivia moves her hand from Spencer's shoulder but only moves it to his leg. The touch is friendly and gentle. Non judgmental.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Panic attack." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer's eyes cut back up to Jordan to see him nod seriously, with not even a flicker of teasing flitting across his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You feeling better Spence?" He asks and he actually sounds like he wants to hear the answer. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah." Spencer nods. Olivia pulls away and he stands, ignoring the way his legs shake. "Yeah, s'all good now."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He sits down, back on the bed and takes another breath. He looks up and sees Olivia still standing there and Jordan hovering even closer. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What?" He asks. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan's eyes cut to Olivia and Olivia makes a face. They do the sibling thing that him and Dillion do- where you talk without speaking. Spencer didn't realize how annoying it was to be on the outside of. He makes a mental note to apologize to his mother. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What?" He says again, a little louder. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Olivia makes another face, more pointed and Jordan huffs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well. Usually when something like this happens-" Olivia cuts him off by clearing her throat and Jordan rolls her eyes. "-when <em>I</em> have a panic attack-" he amends, "we talk about it." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Talk about it?" Spencer repeats dully. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan nods, looking awkward. Olivia smiles, her eyes soft.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> For a moment, Spencer wonders if he's still dreaming- he's heard of people having nightmares within a dream and waking up all types of disoriented- but Jordan shifts nervously and Olivia does a tiny encouraging nod and he thinks there's no <em>way </em>he could be making this shit up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Okay." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan blinks. "Okay?" </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer nods once. "That's what I said. Okay."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Oh. Okay."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"<em>O</em>kay." Olivia drawls. "Let's go." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>She reaches for his wrist and Spencer lets her, hoping he doesn't look as confused as he feels. He must have failed at that because as she pulls him to his feet, Jordan speaks up to explain. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"The first rule of helping after a panic attack or nightmare or whatever is that you need to have a change of environment so you don't feel as panicked when you talk about it." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer opens his mouth to respond but Olivia is pulling him out of the room and down the steps and before he knows it, he's sitting in the kitchen and she's rummaging through the cabinets. Jordan throws a blanket over his shoulders and sits beside him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Rule number two is that there should always <em>always </em>be hot chocolate." Olivia pulls out hot chocolate packets and mugs and gets to work, bustling around the large kitchen. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan scoots closer to Spencer, one elbow propped up on the table top, with his hand on his cheek. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I used to get them all the time when I was a kid." He says quietly. "Never before a game or tournament or anything, but after. Even if we won. My chest would get really tight and I'd have trouble breathing and my dad couldn't calm me down. Used to scare the shit out of my mom." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer frowns. "What'd you do?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p> "It's what <em>Liv</em> would do. She'd be the only one who could calm me down. We'd go into a room- normally hers, and she'd just talk to me. About anything, it didn't really matter what. I just needed to sit there and not think for a moment. Eventually I learned some breathing exercises to stop them from happening so often." Jordan grinned. "Thank God, cause we went through a lot of random techniques. One time I think there was some Oolong tea involved." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Oolong?" Spencer repeated incredulously and Jordan ducked his head to hide a laugh. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Whatever worked you know?" </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah." Spencer nods, thinking about late nights on the phone with Kia or swinging on the swings with Shawn and Coop, or Chris sneaking him onto the field late at night so Spencer could work out the shimmering anger just barely hiding his wild panic. "I get it." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You get them often?" Jordan asks after a quiet pause. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer shook his head. "Used to. I'd run them out or run round with Coop- anything to distract myself. Haven't had none for a while and they've never been this bad so I guess something's changed." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well," Olivia gently set down the two mugs of hot cocoa. "That's why we're doing this- so you can talk it out and figure out why you were feeling the way you did." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Y'all know y'all don't have to do this." He offers, looking up at Olivia and Jordan's expectant faces. Tomorrow they're gonna be tired as hell from this and Spencer didn't want to put that on them. "I'm feelin' much better." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan made a face like he had been expecting Spencer to say that. "Yeah, I know. And you'll feel even better once you talk this through. Besides, it's a Baker tradition." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer frowns and curls a hand around his cup's handle. He wondered if the hot chocolate here tasted the same as the hot chocolate in Crenshaw. He used to make it for Dillion whenever he had a bad day at school or they needed to talk about something heavy. He guessed traditions translated across lifestyles. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"It was 'bout a lot." He starts, keeping his gaze on the whipped cream that Olivia piled into his cup. "A lotta shit that I've been through." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He unloads slowly. He tells them about the constant fear he holds for his brother, for the environment that he grows up in, for the struggles he'll face. How his worry for Coop is like a vice that is settled around his heart and how it clenches everytime he gets an out-of-the-blue call. How sometimes he'll get a new pair of shoes and think about Shawn and how he could've saved him if only he got his head out of his ass long enough to <em>see.</em> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Shakily, he talks about when him and Jordan got pulled over. When that officer raised his voice. When Jordan was rightfully raving about things being <em>unfair </em>and all Spencer could worry about was getting Jordan home to Olivia and his family <em>without</em> a bullet in him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He chokes when he talks about that day in the park. How all he wanted was to do something for his community and he almost cost a lot of lives for it. How he was standing so close to what could've been the end of his life but all he could think about were the people that came only to support him. How he could only think about his little brother and the family that he's built around himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>At some point, Olivia wipes away tears and Jordan places a heavy hand on Spencer's shoulder but they don't interrupt him. They let him talk until he's got nothing left to say, and by that time the hot chocolates are gone and Spencer feels more exhausted than he's ever been. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That was...a lot Spencer." Olivia says, breaking the fragile silence that formed. "I mean, you've been through a lot." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He nods. There's not much to say to that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah," Jordan's watching him with worried eyes. Spencer thinks it's interesting that he can see every expression clear in his face. It's refreshing to say the least. "And you're carrying all that around with you everyday. I don't think I've heard you really talk about all this once."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I talk with Coop." He says. "When she's been free." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan makes a face and Spencer has to admit, it sounds weak to his own ears. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Part of the reason why I turned to drugs and alcohol to make myself feel better was because I felt like I wasn't being heard." Olivia said quietly. "I didn't feel important or impactful in my family and when something did happen to me, I didn't have anyone to talk about it to."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Out of the corner of his eye, Spencer sees Jordan's hand clench around his mug handle and he assumes this isn't something they've completely dealt with yet. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"In rehab, I learned that sharing things like this- even things that seem little- can go a long way in making someone feel better." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah," Jordan spoke up. "Like, I didn't know you felt that way about us getting pulled over. I mean, I know it was terrifying but I didn't know you cared so much." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer's brows furrowed. "The hell are you saying? 'Course I cared. You're like a brother to me Jordan." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan's eyes widened and after a beat his whole face went soft. A proud, warm grin grew out of nowhere on his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You too Olivia." Spencer says. "I mean, I've never had a sister before but I wouldn't take anyone other than you to be kinda like mine."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kinda like yours?" She repeats, tilting her head a little. She reaches across the table and takes his hand. "No, Spencer. You're an honorary Baker sibling. Nothing could change that." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah?" He asks, feeling warm. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan nods. "Yeah, dude. You're a brother to us."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"And we would love to hear about Shawn whenever you think about him, or listen to you vent about Coop and Dillion." Oliva says softly, squeezing his hand. "Just the same way you are always open to hear me when I'm struggling or Jordan when Jordan and dad are going at it." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan reaches over and covers Olivia and Spencer's interlocked hands. The little bit of chill left over from waking up in a bed that wasn't his to a family that didn't feel like his drifted away. He may not have been born here, but that didn't mean he didn't have <em>family</em> here. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Thank you." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Olivia and Jordan pull back. She grins at him and Jordan merely groans in anticipation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hot chocolate and therapy- works everytime." She gloats. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, okay, whatever Liv." Jordan huffs, getting up. "I'm making us more hot chocolate. <em>You're </em>telling dad why we're slumped tomorrow morning." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Oliva gapes and stands. "Jordan Baker, I will not hesitate to <em>murder</em> you in your own home<em>." </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Spencer's on my side." Jordan sings out, dancing away from his sister. "Right Spence? You're on my side?" </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm on the side that gets me more hot chocolate and lets me live to see another day. Other than that, the both of y'all on your own." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jordan sighs loud and long- <em>drama queen</em>- and Olivia laughs triumphantly and moves to annoy him into being the one to tell Coach Baker why they were up so late. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders and let the playful argument wash over him. The panic that had been stifling him finally receded and he let himself relax for the first time <em>in weeks</em>. Of course, he'd worry about his family in Chenshaw and he'd have days when he wouldn't be able to open his eyes without thinking of Shawn and he'd sometimes get so buried into fear that he'll need to be <em>dragged </em>out but at least he won't have to go through it alone.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He looks up to see Olivia squirting whipped cream into Jordan's face. Spencer chuckled and shakes his head in slight disbelief. He better go over there and make his own hot chocolate or else he'll never get one. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the timeline of this show rlly do be confusing me doe 👀</p>
<p>(also fic title is from Hold My Hand by Lukas Graham)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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